DATING MISTAKES

Dangerous Dating

2009-08-03T02:11:00.000-07:00

It is a crime that is reaching epidemic proportions, every day at least three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country.Yesterday, News Channel Six learned the man who allegedly murdered the two girls in Lawton this weekend may have been over his jealously.

But what are the warning signs of a bad, potentially deadly relationship... and how can you get out of such a situation?

This man, Xavier Adams, confessed to police that he killed 18 year old Bianca Ward and 20 year old Jennifer Brown. He told police it was all because he was enraged when he saw his ex girlfriend Bianca--talking to another man Friday morning. Local licensed professional counselor Carrie Andree says there are ways to help prevent a situation like this from escalating and happening to you.

"I think the key thing is to not keep things secret like that. If you're in a relationship like that, let somebody know because I'm sure there were red flags in this particular case." says Andree.

She adds that if you feel controlled in things like your time, your behavior, money, or what you're wearing---these are warning signs that you are not in a healthy relationship. In the lawton murders, jealously may have been a major motive. Andree says jealousy is a normal emotion.However--"Like anything, if it's out of balance, the anger out of balance goes to rage and then resulted in somebody's untimely death. I mean a horrible death--an unnecessary act." she says.

Andree says she sees a trend of more and more young girls getting stuck in an abusive relationship.And even though it happens to women of all ages--younger girls are less likely to get out of a bad situation. Her message to anyone dealing with an abusive partner is, don't be afraid to tell someone. "They're thinking oh, if I do this their boyfriend will be angry-or their girlfriend will be angry..to really challenge themselves, do I really want to be controlled by anger?" A question many should be asking now, before it leads to a deadly situation.

FIND YOUR GIRLS HERE : www.findmatenow.com

Jewish Dating: It Pays to Date Other Like-Minded People

2007-08-03T03:42:00.000-07:00

Searching for the perfect mate can be one of life's greatest challenges.

After all, forever is a long time. You want to make the right decision.

Dating itself can be really trying. It can be hard to find the right people. What if they don't share the same values and beliefs that you do? How do you handle that and when?

Wouldn't it be easier to know ahead of time that they are Jewish, just like you?

Wouldn't it be easier to know their respect for God and other people, values and beliefs, mirrors your own?

I know my own dating experiences were trying at best. My stomach used to churn before hand. I'd be so excited to meet new people, only to cringe as that feeling was replaced with absolute, crushing hopelessness as the person demonstrated a trait I knew I just wouldn't be able to tolerate.

If they said something snide about children and my being a parent, I knew it was over. If they weren't pet people, it was going nowhere.

If they were vulgar, ignorant, not funny or if God didn't have a place in their life like mine, what could we possibly have in common?

A few incidents come to my mind. The dental hygienist who chain-smoked. The girl who didn't shave her legs, her armpits and didn't wear deodorant (it took a few dates to begin to figure this one out).

I remember one Friday night where I thought I had met someone with real potential. She was highly educated, respectful and thoughtful. Several dates later, she showed up at my house with an open bottle of wine, already drunk. And then she stormed off when I mentioned concern that she had been drinking and driving.

So how do you find the right people? How do you at least give a first date a chance, by taking the time to get to know people coming from a similar place as you?

The workplace can be a popular source, if there are lots of employees and some that believe in God as you do.

But what if you work too much and don't have time to meet people? Or, what if meeting people is quite a scary experience, and you'd like to find a "like minded group of people", that you can get to know via email first before actually meeting?

The answer, more and more, is the Internet. Never before has the world's millions of Jewish singles, been able to find sources of other singles who are just like they are.

The best part is these specific sources of singles can be pre-determined ahead of time. For instance, you'll know you're talking to someone who is Jewish, because you found their ad on a Jewish dating site.

Make sense? Much easier than trying to make these discoveries of values and beliefs over coffee or dinner.

You can further refine your search by specific age ranges, kids or not, divorced or not, white, black, location, income level, career path, Yankees fan or not (very important!), etc.

I finally found my Soul Mate through a personals ad on a website. We lived in different communities but on the same island (20 miles apart). More importantly, our hearts, beliefs, values, sense of humor and general outlooks were very similar. And we knew that before ever meeting.

It was wonderful courtship. We married the next year. And to this day, many years later, we laugh that the first date never ended.

You too can have this Jewish dating experience, when you find a source of like-minded people to start to get to know.

Internet dating can be fun but also scary

2007-08-03T03:31:00.000-07:00

That's the nickname that the Oscar-winner sometimes uses when she's surfing under anonymity.

Berry, 40, said when the Internet first became popular, she 'loved it'.

'I thought, 'Wow, this is a whole new world.' I loved the fact I could have anonymity and go into chat rooms and not be myself and have honest chats with people, saying I was Susan Brown or someone else I was not.'

The secretive world of online chatting is explored in Berry's latest film, Perfect Stranger, which opens in cinemas here tomorrow.

Berry plays Rowena Price, an investigative reporter who learns that her friend's murder might be connected to her online chats and subsequent fling with powerful ad executive Harrison Hill, played by Bruce Willis.

Here, Berry, who is dating Versace model Gabriel Aubry, talks about her own foray into the online world and the pressure of having that Oscar on the mantlepiece...

Do you use the Internet much?

I think the Internet can be great and I love e-mail and have a Blackberry, but it is also sad because people are becoming disconnected and we are not writing letters as much as we used to.

I try to fight against it and write a hand-written thank you note or write someone a letter and not just pop them an e-mail, but we need to fight to preserve some of that human quality of relating to each other I think.

What do you think of online dating?

People are starting to date online and meet people and I gather it's the new social scene and a way to meet people instead of clubs and bars.

But there is still an element of fear in that because you don't know who is really going to show up on the date and that is an aspect of our movie that really gets explored. It can be fun but it can also be scary.

Have you ever been burned by chat rooms or the Internet?

In a world where people stalk celebrities, it's easy to find out information about them. It's easy through the Internet to find out where I'm going to make an appearance and show up and they have been a little bit threatening and a few times have been arrested, so that's a down-side.

I often get e-mail from strange people and I don't know how they got my e-mail address so I have to change it quite often. You also don't know who can hack into what so I don't have very personal exchanges on e-mail or on the Internet.

What made you say yes to Perfect Stranger?

The story was really interesting. I read so many scripts that by page 35 I can't even get through the rest, but this one was really intriguing and a mystery and kept my brain going, trying to figure it out.

I also realised that I really liked this woman and wanted to go on her journey.

After 2001's Monster's Ball, which you won an Oscar for, you did a lot of big blockbusters. How do you pick your movies?

My choices aren't all that complex. As an actor, after I won the Oscar I felt so much pressure the day after and I made a decision that I wasn't going to allow an Academy Award to force me to change the way I used to do my career.

I was always a person who operated within my career knowing it was okay to take risks and stretch myself and always do things that rewarded me in personal ways, whether it was a character I related to or a chance to do a movie that was a lot of fun, or whether it was a movie that helped me make a lot of money and put it away for my kids down the road.

I always wanted to remain true to those things that were important to me when I started in the business and not approach my career as this stuffy Oscar winner who could only do certain sorts of things.

Is it still tough to find great female roles in Hollywood?

People think if you won an Oscar somehow it's easier, but it's really not. There are so few great scripts for women. We are all fighting for the same few roles and wanting them so it's tough.

What do you do on your days off?

I started painting about five years ago and that's become a passion. I do oils on canvas, mixed media, and I'm going to start doing some sculpting classes with an artist friend because I have a few months off. I've also been playing golf because my boyfriend is a golfer. I learnt to golf for one shot in the movie Swordfish and knew how to hit the hell out of a ball one time. But playing golf is a whole different deal, so I've been learning to play and it's good fun.

Playing the dating game requires strength and maturity

2007-08-03T02:55:00.000-07:00

I had known the bouncer a few months by now - he had stopped asking to see my ID. We ran into each other at various midtown watering holes and he used to give me rides home. I'd seen him with his ex-girlfriend.

Nevertheless, it was a complete shock to spend all night laughing in bed with him until 6 a.m.

For the first time in several months, arguably years, I had effortlessly connected with someone. For a girl who usually wants a cocktail, an orgasm and an escape route, this was virgin territory.

If I never saw him again, I would still be elated.

But he was my bouncer, and we did go to all the same bars. It was inevitable I would see him again.

And that's when I became the in-between girl.

The in-between girl, or guy, is the person you casually see in between a break-up and reconciliation with an ex. Like dating a married man, it's never a good position to be in.

For my part, I wanted to prove that I was cool and calm and awesomely mature, so I agreed to see where a friendship could take us. I was full of it.

Why did I allow myself to be put in a position where I was completely powerless and totally vulnerable?

Things progressed, and a few nights later we made out. A couple of nights after that, we talked on the phone until 5:30 in the morning. And with each passing interaction, it became more difficult for me to tell myself we were just friends.

So I did what every in-between does: I threatened him.

"I'm too good to be an in-between," I told him (he agreed). "If you're still unsure about your feelings for her, then I'm not waiting around."

He understood.

He then did what every in-between fears - he got back with her.

It also clearly wasn't over. He'd watch me intently when I was at the bar. We'd flirt. He would call or text me when he got off work. I had no desire to talk to, let alone sleep with, anyone else. He never changed his Facebook status from single.

And then he told me he was moving...with her.

Seeing as I have watched far too many romantic comedies, I knew I had two weeks to break up him and his girlfriend.

And that's when it hit me. This would be the ultimate prize.

What better way to define my own worth than by persuading him to give up his relationship with her, which had lasted more than a year?

Don't misunderstand me. He was a prize, as well. I genuinely did, and probably still do, like him. But sometimes we get so caught up in the thrill of the chase that we lose sight of why we are chasing to begin with. This man chose to be with another woman over the awesomeness that is me. So really, how great is he?

The week before he left, he called or texted me every day. We hung out and I tried not to let go the last time he embraced me.

I don't doubt that he had feelings for me. But I'm still the one who got hurt. Being the in-between means it's your feelings that are marginalized.

The night before he left, he admitted his confusion and apprehension. But it was too late. If timing really is everything, an in-between has the worst.

The truth is we all get involved with people who we know, subconsciously, can't be with us or aren't right for us. They will never fulfill the fantasy role we envision for them to play in our lives, and yet we're too disillusioned to believe anything different.

The bouncer has only been gone about two weeks, and while I have refrained from contacting him, I still find my mind replaying conversations we've had. Our situation was not carved out of spite or retribution. I genuinely felt understood, and I think he did, too.

While not just following what you feel is a difficult task, the dating game requires more than just puppy-dog adoration and bright-eyed innocence. It requires strength to know you're worth fighting for and the maturity to realize sometimes the real world presents nearly insurmountable obstacles.

But I prefer to believe it's these near misses that make the real deal all the more rewarding.

"Only Pretty, Young and Healthy, Please" -- Jewish Matchmaking Taken to the Next Level

2007-08-03T02:26:00.000-07:00

47% of all marriages involving Jewish persons are interfaith marriages. Is this a blessing or a serious problem? Well, whichever view we take on this issue, the truth is - there is many Jewish singles out there who would very much like to meet a like-minded Jewish soul, but since Jewish matchmaking is not an option for them, they just don't know how.

New York, NY (PRWEB) July 17, 2007 -- 47% of all marriages involving Jewish persons are interfaith marriages. Is this a blessing or a serious problem? Well, whichever view we take on this issue, the truth is -- there is many Jewish singles out there who would very much like to meet a like-minded Jewish soul, but since Jewish matchmaking is not an option for them, they just don't know how.

Up until recently Jewish singles were almost completely dependent on Jewish matchmaking services, which in all honesty, tend to serve best only certain group of people. In Orthodox circles, if you are over 25 years old, you are already "way over the hill" and most of matchmakers will refuse even consider setting you up.

This is where the new phenomenon -- online Jewish dating -- comes in. More and more "unmarriageable" Jewish singles bypass Jewish matchmakers and decide to look for their soul mates online. Many Jewish singles have already met their beshert online. But the big problem is, that many people approach online dating without awareness of its potential danger.

"Online Jewish dating can be an incredibly interesting and exciting experience," says Simi Braun from Jewish Matchmaking and Dating (http://www.jewishmatchmakinganddating.com). "It can lead to marriage and life long bliss. Thousands of people have met their soul mates through online services. At the same time, many people with the same goal at heart, have been emotionally or physically hurt, conned out of all their savings and left embarrassed and psychologically injured."

Simi, who's met her fiancé through online Jewish dating services, claims that it's just as easy to attract the right person, as it is the wrong person. The key to successful dating is knowledge. That's why she has dedicated her free time to create a website (http://www.JewishMatchmakingAndDating.com), that will help Jewish singles find out how to go about Internet dating.

The Internet, with all its dangers, brings along a new wave off hope. Jewish singles are no longer dependent on gold digging matchmakers. They can now take these important matters in their own hands. Saying this, we have to remember that Internet is a potentially dangerous territory. It's important that every Jewish single learns how to use online dating services properly and Jewish Matchmaking and Dating (http://www.jewishmatchmakinganddating.com) is there to support them.

Imagine yourself in a bar in Minsk

2007-08-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Dating Girl: I have not been in a relationship in a long time. I was working in a foreign country and had relationships that did work, but once I returned to Canada, I froze up (forgive the dig at our weather).

I just don't think that I am good at forming relationships here. I have never dated in Canada, but once I get away, things go all right. I have tried to take advice from so-called friends, who have recommended bars and the like, but these are all stressful options to me. I know I'm a bit of a loner, but there is only so much any one person can take.

-- Only Capable of Foreign Relations

Dear Only: Yours is a common problem. When we get outside our daily routine and beyond the familiar, it's less risky and easier to be open. There's less of a chance someone you know might see you make a fool of yourself, for example. And, if things don't work, you know you're eventually leaving, anyway, so you don't have to invest as much emotionally. It's a sort of suspended reality.

Maybe you need to create a bit of that feeling at home. Try being a tourist in your own town. Check out some cheesy tourist sites and pretend you're in another city. Talk to people. Open yourself up as if you were abroad.

By the way, just because bars aren't your preferred meeting venue, I wouldn't write off your friends (so-called? that's not very nice) just for suggesting them. I'm sure they're just trying to help. And, who knows, if these places stress you out, confronting why that is and giving them another go might help get you out of your safety zone, too. Maybe you can pretend you're at a bar in Minsk. Good luck.

- - -

Dear Dating Girl: I've been in a relationship with a girl for over a year now.

We have sex once in a while but have never had that great a sex life. She recently said she sees our relationship as "what most people would call best friends, but you still mean more to me than that."

Basically she wants the whole relationship/romance thing without the sex. She can't (achieve) orgasm with me, or on her own. Before me, she was with an older guy with whom she didn't have this problem. They were in a submissive/dominant-type relationship and I have a feeling it was more that she wanted to please him because their relationship was totally based around sex, while ours is not. What do you think?

-- Sexually Frustrated

Dear Sexually: I think you might be right. And I think that if sex is important to you, you're not going to be happy in this relationship. She has told you what she wants. Now, it's up to you to decide what you want.

Can you live with a loving but sexless relationship? On the other hand, there's no need to just accept this. Why not be proactive -- can the two of you explore a way to take things up a notch so that she becomes more interested in sex? Maybe you could try some role-playing, in which she can revive her more submissive role. You might not be comfortable with that, but it's worth a try, no? It seems like you have pretty decent communication. Take advantage and give it the old college try before you give in -- or get out.

Computer dating service moves to cellphones for time-challenged lovers

2007-08-03T02:08:00.001-07:00

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- Online dating service Match.com is launching a new application for cellphones, allowing subscribers to keep track of their paramours while on the go.

MatchMobile will first be made available in the United States, U.K. and Canadian markets, with plans to extend the service to nine more countries.

The service provides subscribers with text messages to their phones when they have an e-mail from another Match.com subscriber and allows them to search for potential matches from their cellphones.

For an extra fee of about $5 per month, MatchMobile subscribers can receive and answer e-mails from suitors on their cellphones.

"If you are having a conversation with someone and want to continue it on the go, you can.

"It cuts out the waiting," Match.com chief executive Thomas Enraght-Moony told Reuters.

"As people become more and more accustomed to being able to do things while they are on the go, this becomes a more natural part of what they do," Enraght-Moony said.

An earlier version of Match.com for cellphones was used by nearly half a million subscribers, Enraght-Moony said. The new application will allow subscribers to tap into Match.com's database of nearly 15 million registered users.

About 3.6 million U.S. cellphones subscribers used a mobile dating service in May this year, according to data from tracking firm M:Metrics that was provided by Match.com.

The company also cited forecasts from Frost & Sullivan, which predict that revenue from mobile dating services will grow to $215 million by 2009.

If You Want A Date, Promote Yourself!

2007-08-03T01:31:00.001-07:00

How to find a date? Promote yourself! That's one of the key you should consider. It sounds too planned, too contrived, right? You probably wonder whereas the romance; where are all the rainbows, fireworks and stars?

Probably that is what you have in mind when advised to put on a personal ad in different kind of publications. Well, that's one way to meet people. In order to meet the man or woman of your dreams, you're going to have to have a lot of people to choose from. If you want to win the lottery, you don't just buy one ticket.

True... Dating can be great fun. But can also be a really stressful experience if you are unprepared.

Tips to Promote

1. Now, start by checking the publications in your area that run personal ads.

2. Find out the geographic range of this publication. Do you want to travel that far to meet the people who respond to your ad? If so, run the ad. If not, look for another publication with a smaller geographic range. Then, if the publication is daily or weekly, run the ad three times in a row, if your finances will allow. If the publication is monthly, run the ad once. If your finances won't let you run the ad three times, run it once or twice.

3. You can adapt this headline to suit your own interests. The headline can read Nurses Really Turn Me On, Tennis Players Really Turn Me On, and Italians Really Turn Me On. This list can go on forever. You get the point. Just insert what you love into this headline.

4. After the headline is written, move on to the rest of the ad. Write the qualifiers. Do you want a smoker or a non-smoker? Does religion matter? What age interests you? How about height and weight?

5. One of the major mistakes people make when they write ads is that they try to please everyone. Don't do it. Sure, you'll get lots of responses. I guess you could call that going with the numbers. But, you'll be inundated with people who just won't be of interest to you.

All you have to do now is waiting for the replies. When they come, separate them into two piles - the calls and the no-calls. Don't throw out the no-calls! These are people you don't feel you want to call. You'll be surprised at how often you change your mind. If you throw out the no-calls, you'll probably be sorry later.

Andy Michael, a columnist of dating Website. He likes to share his real-world, concrete secrets to finding the man or woman of your dreams. He revealed his techniques that have worked for thousands of happy, formerly single people! Visit his dating secrets

Sex between the covers . . .

2007-07-19T02:55:00.000-07:00

Ann Dermody casts a roving eye over the glut of self-help books dedicated to improving your life in the bedroom

We've come a long way since the Joy Of Sex videos. Now we're less concerned about 'doing it' as finding the time to do it at all.

With increasingly intensified lives being led by today's busy professionals it seems most of us haven't the time or inclination to think about the rumpy pumpy business of sex.

But fear not, whenever there's an opening in the publishing market there's always a glut of self-help manuals written by experts willing to fill it.

Now, thanks to an overload of recent literature on the subject, you can be debriefed in a whole new fashion.

Granted it's only reading, but you'll be better prepared to go for goal when you do actually find time to do the wild thing with your partner.

1. Shiver me timbers

Take it outdoors, advise several of the new manuals like Tracey Cox's Quickies and Dr Pam Spurr's Sensational Sex: The Revolutionary Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Fulfilment. Hey, if the good doctor says so . . .

Location isn't apparently just a mindful philosophy for the property market, it can also make a huge difference to your sex life, we're assured.

A drizzly wet Saturday frolicking on the grass in Belfast's Botanic Gardens doesn't have quite the same ring as your private island in the Caribbean, say, or P Diddy's luxury yacht far out to sea.

Still, Katie Hopkins (below), star of the recent Apprentice TV series, is all for the benefits of local farmland, even if peeping Toms are lurking.

2. Fone sex

Tracey Cox is not a woman shy about suggestion.

The author of Superflirt, Supersex and a Handy Deck of Cards with titillating tricks for those who've won first prize in bendy yoga class has graced the world with another title - Quickies.

Not surprisingly, this endorses the benefits of getting down to it anytime you've got a minute to spare.

The dirty phone call has morphed into an almost unrecognisable form - and one that's hard to understand - thanks to 'sxy txts' of which Cox is a fan.

Utilise it throughout the day, she recommends, so that by the time you reach home you're a quivering jelly of desire.

3. Coming at things from another angle ...

No, we're not talking chandeliers swinging or building a seat in the shower.

New York 'couples therapist' Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity encourages couples to remember that being in love taps into an elevated state.

Even if the fact that his breathing is bothering you or her picking her teeth after dinner makes you fit to choke her, you should pause and remember that "with you and through you I will become that which I long to be" .

If that's too hard to remember when he's failed to pack the dishwasher again, Barbara Carrellas' Urban Tantra suggests you could go looking for his Muladhara, a particularly vulnerable location between the anus and genitals.

4. Popping up problems

For the academically challenged, there's Rubess and Moerbeek's self-explanatory Pop-Up Book of Sex, a rather cute if slightly disturbing throwback to those books you enjoyed as children.

While Rubess and Moerbeek's pages will pop up on demand, things unfortunately aren't always so predictable in the bedroom.

5. No children allowed

Despite the fact that they're a direct result of 'doing it', children can be one of the largest hindrances to a happy sex life.

Perel highly recommends getting rid of them. Locking them under the stairs, leaving them out in the rain and pretending you've lost the key (which has somehow necessitated you running around the house naked) or shipping them off to boarding school are all possibilities if you really can't have someone look after them for a few hours.

Perel doesn't seem to take into account the fact that most harried mothers of young kids would probably like to curl up under the covers with a good book - rather than a husband – if they managed to eliminate the kids for a night.

6. Eyeing the Prize

Giving your partner the glad eye - or even the 'non-dominant' one - takes on a whole new meaning when you've read Urban Tantra.

Remember those suggestive eyelash sweeps you gave him during your courtship that now make him ask if your contact lenses are hurting you? Forget it.

Urban Tantra recommends you try to find his non-dominant eye, which is apparently the gateway to the soul. If you tap into that, you'll be on such a level of intimacy you can throw away all those other self-help books.

7. Shut up already

Though all agree that communicating honestly and openly is a key factor in managing a modern relationship, several of the books like Mating in Captivity, also recommend putting a sock in it now and then too.

Mostly it seems this is to compensate for the male brain's deficiency in the expression of honest and open communication, but also because women have a tendency to yammer on ceaselessly about 'feelings' until they've talked any semblance of desire out of their men.

8. Leave it to the stars

If you're really at a loss to connect, or a huge fan of astrology, you could pick up a copy of Sextrology: the Astrology of Sex and the Sexes.

This will apparently tell you how to have sex according to your star sign's own special needs and desires, which might eliminate the necessity of having all those pop-ups books handy.

Brace yourself for the devastating proposition, however, that your needs may turn out to be 'Libra' and your partners an incompatible 'Aries' despite the fact you've spent 30 years together and had six kids.

9. Age old remedies

For those blessed with a vivid imagination, a huge amount of time and very agile bodies, there's always the Kama Sutra, which has been doing the rounds for centuries.

DATING SOLUTIONS, DATING CORNER, DATING SINGLES

2007-07-02T01:47:00.000-07:00

Violence Dating dilemmas are a pivotal problem in the lives of the young and single in society today. Over the years, date rape has become more and more predominant, especially in the lives of teenage girls who are completing high school and college. Many factors may influence the attacker to commit such a crime upon it’s teenage victim. But none are excusable or accepted and these attackers are being punished much more harshly since sexual assault was added, as an offence, to the Canadian Criminal Code.

As for the victims, although nothing can take away the experience they suffered through painfully, treatment and therapy is available to help them get on with life. Dating violence is a distressing issue in a young persons life but it is also unavoidable and society must try and deal with it in the most civil way possible. General Background Information on Date Rape Date rape has been a serious problem for many years, for both women and men of any status. In early English law, virginity was demanded as an ingredient of rape but in 1275 legislation was passed that stated a woman could be raped whether she was a virgin or not.

In the 18th century, virginity had ceased to be an ingredient at all in the definition of rape (McColgan, 1996:p.17). Nowadays, the definition of date rape is an act that occurs on a date, where one party; usually male, forces his victim to have sexual intercourse, without the victim’s consent, by using physical threat. As Robin Warshaw (1988) states, "Rape is violence not seduction". Dating violence, which includes rape and sexual assault, is occurring at alarming rates, especially among high school students. The majority of all date rape survivors were raped during their teenage years at high school but also one in seven college women will be raped on a date before she graduates.

Among these students, it is and has usually been the girls who are targeted at as victims (Simon, 1997:p.1). These girls are beginning to realize that they must be careful and many are beginning to fear not only strange men but also the men they know very well. In the mid 1970’s, date rape awareness meant learning self defense and being wary of the men around you so as to survive. (Warshaw, 1988: p.1) As Robin Warshaw (1988) stated almost 80% of all rapes are acquaintance rapes where the victim knows her attacker well. The Ontario Government has composed data on date rape and is it quite alarming. (See Appendix 1)Date rape is a crime that has always been recognized (McColgan, 1996: p.2), but largely denied until recently. Dating violence is a serious problem in society and people must work to intervene and prevent it (Simon, 1997: p.2) Date Rape and Its Influences There is no one direct cause of date rape. Although there are usually three key elements involved, socialization, miscommunication, and/or changing sexual mores, one major reason for date rape is a lack of consideration for a woman's rights and wishes.(Silverstein, 1994:21) In a general sense, traditional male and female roles in society are part of the problem. Men are taught at a very early age to be aggressors; they participate in aggressive team sports, are encouraged to be competitive, not to give up, to keep on trying.

They are encouraged to have strong sexual feelings and to experiment with their sexual satisfaction as a part of their masculinity. This environment which encourages men to be competitive and get what they want often leads to a belief in the "right to have sex."(Pirog-Good, 1989:172) Women on the other hand are socialized to be more passive, dependent, to be peacemakers, to avoid scenes, to be "lady-like." They are discouraged from experimenting with their sexuality. The double standard allows men to have sexual feelings and act on them; in contrast, a woman is allowed to be sexual primarily when she becomes "carried away" with emotion. Communication between men and women is often problematical, especially in the realm of sex.

Especially in a first sexual encounter with someone, some women may say "no" when they mean "maybe" or even "yes," and men have been taught to try to turn that no/maybe into a yes. Thus, it is sometimes hard for men to know when "no" really does mean "no." Women on the other hand, don't want to agree to sex too readily for fear they will be seen as "loose" or "easy." Misperceptions abound; a woman thinks she is merely being friendly, but her date thinks she's signaling willingness to have sex. Some men believe they are entitled to sex when they have spent money on a date. Others may believe that if a woman is sexually active, she will willingly have sex with anyone, including him. Some men are sexually aggressive because they are basically insecure.

The government of Ontario conducted a survey in 1995, asking questions concerning date rape. (See Appendix 2) Forcing sex on another person makes them feel strong because it makes someone else feel weak. Rape is violence against a woman. It is an issue that strikes at the heart of the personal relationship between a man and a woman, how they treat each other, arid how they respect each other's wishes. (Silverstein, 1994:12)People who respect others do not coerce others to do things they do not want to do. Date rape sometimes occurs after the victim has taken drugs or one drink too many. Whether under the influence or not, victims frequently classify the rape as a hazy, regrettable experience that was somehow their own fault. One of the more recent date rape drug has emerged in Canada.

Though the drug has been available since the 1970's, only recently have North Americans realized the dangerous potential of Rohypnol.(Http://imprint.uwaterloo:1998:1) Known as the Date Rape Drug, or the Forget Pill, the past few years have seen an increase in the number of sexual assault cases in which the victim was given Rohypnol without her knowing. Rohypnol is the brand name registered by Hoffman-LaRoche Inc. for the drug flunitrazepam.(Http://imprint.uwaterloo:1998:1) It is important to note however, that Rohypnol is considered to be ten times more powerful than Valium.

It was originally designed as a sedative and prescribed for people with sleeping disorders, though its use has been legally halted in North America. When the drug is taken, it produces a relaxed feeling, soothing the nerves and inducing sleep. In the majority of the reported cases, Rohypnol has been administered to a woman in a beverage, either alcoholic or non-alcoholic. The pill dissolves instantly and takes effect within five to ten minutes of digestion, which is close to instant in a party setting. It is tasteless, odorless and colorless, so there is no way to determine if it has been added to a drink. The reported effects of Rohypnol include dizziness, impaired judgement and amnesia, leading to a reduced capability to resist suggestion and a lack of memories after the incident.

A woman in this vulnerable state is easy prey for a rapist. Rohypnol is commonly available on the streets for between three to ten dollars per pill and comes in a bubble pack. The most common problem with reporting Rohypnol-related rape cases is that in most situations, the woman has no recollections of the incident. This causes a great dilemma for prosecutors, who are without their best witness.(Rue, 1989:14). One major impediment to these investigations is that if Rohypnol is not identified immediately, the evidence will be flushed from the body within a matter of days.

It is illegal to prescribe or sell Rohypnol in either Canada, but that has hardly prevented its use, as well as its apparent spread. Canada, now realizing the dramatic rise in sexual assaults and drug abuse related to Rohypnol, is currently looking at upgrading the drug into the same category as cocaine and heroin, effectively banning its sale or use. As it stands, possession of Rohypnol is not an offence, but the administration of it to others without their knowledge is illegal.(Http://www.usda, 1998:3) Legal Consequences The term rape is no longer used in the Canadian Criminal Law, and is referred to as sexual assault which is a criminal offence under the federal Criminal Code Of Canada. Any type of forced sex constitutes sexual assault under the Criminal Code of Canada.

Any type of intentional and unwanted force applied to another person constitutes assault under Section 265 of the Criminal Code. It states that (1) A person commits an assault when: a) without the consent of another person, he applies force intentionally to that other person, directly, or indirectly; b)he attempts or threatens, by an act or a gesture, to apply force to another person, if he has, or causes that other person to believe on reasonable grounds that he has, present ability to effect his purpose; or c) while openly wearing or carrying a weapon or an imitation thereof, he accosts or impedes another person or begs. (Pocket Criminal Code:1995:25) This section could be used for the most serious to less serious forms of assault. Once a man is convicted of assault.

He can receive an imprisonment ten years. In some cases a women’s legal counsel will advise against pressing charges. It’s difficult to get a trial, let alone a conviction, when the victim is raped by a boyfriend. Apart from bringing criminal charges, a women may also have the option of suing the individual man who has raped her. Laws of evidence are less strict for civil suits so even if she doesn’t file a criminal suit, or she loses a criminal suit, it is still possible in some instances to collect damages. The Criminal Code now has anti-stalking protection, known as ‘criminal harassment" and punishes any person who recklessly harasses another person by engaging in conduct causing that person to reasonably fear their safety or the safety of anyone known to them.

Preventative justice is available in the form of section 810 which allows you to go before a provincial court judge and request a ‘keep the peace" promise on the part of the aggressor.(Pirog-Good, 1989:47) It is a crime in and of itself to refuse to sign a peace bond ordered by the court, or to disobey an existing bond. Trauma And Therapy Trauma is an adaptive reposes to change in living organisms ‘defense mechanism’ mechanism.

It occurs in humans to attempt to manage and control physical pain injury and to maintain psychological homeostasis. Rape trauma syndrome is the acute phase is and long-term reorganization process that occurs as a result of forcible rape or attempted forcible rape. In the immediate hours following the rape, the woman may experience an extremely wide range of emotions. The impact of the rape may be so severe that feelings of shock or disbelief are expressed.

When interviewed within a few hours of the rape, the women in the study mainly showed two emotion styles; the expressed style, in which feelings of fear, anger and anxiety were shown through such behavior a crying, sobbing, smiling, restlessness, and tenseness; and the controlled style, in which feelings were masked or hidden and a calm, composed or subdue affect were seen.(Http;//www.ncf, 1998:1) A fairly equal number of women showed each style. The first stage is the acute phase.

This is the period may last for several weeks and results in an immediate disruption of the survivors life. This may result in disruptive of personality and behavior depending on how the survivor’s memory operates with high stress and emotions to reduce stress from current experience. One of most common coping mechanisms at is depression. When a survivor is calm and subdued after facing a traumatic situation, they maybe experiencing , associative damage from prolonged interpersonal violations. (Burgess, 1997: p.89) The second phase begins when the women begins to reorganize her lifestyle.

In this stage the survivor internalizes a lot of trauma or could be experiencing disassociation from a traumatic experience as a way of coping. This may occur for months or years and my encompass the survivors life, and therefore hindering the process of reorganization. Often after a rape, and even after treatment women often still have issues they deal with such as fear of outdoors, this occurred in women who had been attacked while sleeping their beds They also fear the outdoors, this occurs in women who had been attacked outside of their homes. These women felt safe inside, but would walk outside only with the protection of another person or only when necessary.

Many women fear crowds Many victims were quite apprehensive when they had to be in crowds or ride on public transportation.(Http;//www.ncf, 1998:1) Some survivors need outside help to deal with the problems for good. This can be done using various psychotherapeutic approach such as counseling. By trying to convey acceptance to victim and place victims at ease, creating a rapport is very important in developing a trust relationship with the survivor. A counselor may also help the survivor identify causes of major concern that is troubling the victim as well as providing information about medical care, police investigations. Having the the survivor create their own dependant system, is a good idea to ensure that the survivor is not becoming dependant. But with severe cases some methods such as hypnosis may prove very useful.

It is important that along with establishing rapport that the survivor decides whether or not they’d like to withdrawal from sessions. There are many places that survivors can get help from such as Rape Crisis Center of Peel where they provide you with counseling and crisis intervention.(Silverstein, 1994:12) One other place is the Convedant House which provides homes for many run away victims. If needed there are several other places located in Appendix 3. For any survivor of date rape, is a true hero in themselves and they need to be told that it’s not there fault. Dating violence is a very upsetting issue for a young person to encounter but it is also unavoidable and society needs to address the problems in the most suitable way possible. Over time in history, date rape has become more and more common, especially doing the teenage years.

Date rape has been influenced by many distressing factors that cause a person to do such as awful crime. The Canadian Criminal Code has had many changes concerning sexual assault and its punishable acts. Sexual assault is one of the most traumatic experiences a women can experience in her lifetime, and treatment is currently available to help her get back on track of her life. Although we can teach teenage women the warning signs of date abuse, we can not stop perpetrators from committing the crime and as society develops more we will teach crime is no way to get anything.

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